Who Am I Now?

who am i now?

days turn into nights and the stars wave in cosmic winds above me

as the ocean moves ceaselessly below.

i am in between these landscapes,

a dreamer with clouds around my ears

and an ocean creature that barely stirs the sandy bottom.

i think of heaven as stormy green waters toss me onto the sand,

into a world i have somehow come to love and understand.

my legs are new and they tremble with youth as

i stumble through this fresh existence,

unsure of what is real and what is as fleeting as the strain of a violin,

as the beat of a drum, as sunlight sliding across wooden floors,

as your hands in my hair.

what and who is here for me?

how do i know who has thoughts of violence,

and who is listening for the beat of my heart?

who believes me to be the instrument,

and who knows i am actually the note of music struck into the air,

invisible but so clear, staining the air a thousand different colors with my sound.

who am i now?

nights brighten into days and the sun softens me,

turning me into a tangled brown warrior.

i fight with my shadow as the waves call to me,

duty and pleasure at war within.

You win my soul each time,

and i wake up every morning at the bottom of the sea

with sunlight breaking the water into shards of blue glass around my floating form. 

my moments are adventures now that i am free,

now that i let You hold my hands and steer me like a ship,

the wind at my back and the whole expanse of infinity on my horizon.

i know someone is waiting for me on the other shore,

You keep him safe until i return.

he paces in deep sand with his hands in his pockets,

his eyes blinking into the sun searching for my sails.

the moon laughs and shivers in its own cold silver light

as we meet again after many years apart.

my sea legs touch down on wet sand and warm water graces my feet.

you wrap me up in arms that feel like home,

and for a moment i forget that i am not still alone in the middle of the ocean,

that’s how free we are together

as Your breath blows between our palms.

we look up and thank Heaven for each other,

for the ship in our harbor and for the golden trail of flickering lights

leading up the windy beach toward a home that smells like flowers.

years of beauty roll on ahead of us, calling us forward,

answering my question with each moment of sweetness, who am i now?