Despair Every Morning

i stand before you with my arms spread open wide

i am smiling as stars trickle from my eyes.

i am so grateful to be alive, to taste this food on my tongue,

to hear your voice, to take a deep satisfying breath.

i am so grateful to be drying these dishes, standing next to you.

i think about the snowy peaks of mountains

and i wish i were there in that silent, freezing cold

so I could appreciate my numb toes and icicle hair.

everything is a delight to me now:

the roughness of the page of a book,  the smell of flowers on the breeze,

riding in the car, painting the shed.

even the anger and frustration i sometimes feel

is an absolute delight.

despair is the best alarm clock ever made,

but right now my life feels like laying in your bed at night,

after a long day and a hot shower

with nothing to look forward to but eight hours

on your softest pillow, and a good breakfast in the morning.

redemption is coming bearing gifts of love and forgiveness

and yes i know that nothing lasts forever,

one day i will get my feelings hurt again, one day i will be worried or afraid again,

but this enjoyment of every second will not go away.

i am happy to be here, happy to be alive, and i am ready,

even if i have to be woken up by despair every morning-

at least i’m awake,

and if i’m hating you

know that i’m enjoying hating you

and if i’m loving you

know that i’m enjoying loving you.